How to Know What You Need to Know About Sexual Safety
Understanding the Variables That Increase Risk
“What we don’t know can’t hurt us” is an old adage similar to “ignorance is bliss.” It basically means that if we have no knowledge of whatever unpleasant thing, we are often more comfortable then if we do know about it. Of course, there are many ways in which this philosophy falls short, but in the realm of sexual assault prevention, it’s dangerous.
And yet, “What we don’t know can’t hurt us” is how most people approach a hard topic like sexual assault awareness. There’s just too many pitfalls where fear can get the better of us, especially when it involves worry over the safety of our children.
This is why Be Strong, Be Wise spends as much focused energy on educating adults as we do on educating youth. For adults who wonder “where do I begin?” with understanding a topic as vast as sexual safety, we try and pave the road more clearly. Our philosophy, “Be informed, not afraid” runs counter to ignorance is bliss, because being informed can make a huge difference in a moment of danger.
Understanding the variables, or factors, that increase risk is a great way to be informed, because a small degree of knowledge can go a long way. Rather than expecting ourselves to know everything about assault prevention, caring adults who start with an awareness of these variables can better guide teenagers to make choices that guarantee safety.
A crucial fact before diving in: These variables do not cause an assault to happen. Only the offender can do that. When we explore risk variables in our classes with teens, we make sure to emphasize that while these factors play a significant role, each one of them is influential, not causal.
What are the Seven Primary Risk Variables We Teach Teens in our Course?
Alcohol/Substance Use
Given that most assaults (over 50% of victims and 63% of offenders) occur under the influence of alcohol, alcohol and other substances are the number one risk variable. Having conversations with teens about how to plan ahead when it comes to drinking and other forms of use goes a long way. For example, some young people have a rule for themselves: No hooking up under the influence. Others have strategies like noticing when their functioning is compromised, when to slow down or drink water. In large groups and at a party scene, these steps become exponentially more important.
Bystander Avoidance
It can be hard for teens to go from bystander avoidance to bystander intervention since the concern for other people’s opinions weighs heavy. Conversations at home and at school go a long way in helping young people connect to the emotional and psychological benefits of doing the right thing. If your teen is the one who steps in to help someone in a moment of risk, it is likely they will feel the gratification of showing up as a champion for themselves and others.
Fight/Flight/Freeze or Fawn
Helping young people connect with their personal defensive style can be incredibly beneficial to their safety and wellbeing. For example, if a young person is prone to freezing in a moment of fear, they will be less likely to act on their own behalf if in danger. BUT, youth prone to freezing can practice breaking the freeze in whatever way works for them. Physical movement, words and actions are a great place to start, along with the ability to identify when anxiety is mounting. If able to intervene at the first signs of nervousness, there is less likelihood the freeze response will take over. Likewise, teens can be taught to recognize the body cues when a freeze reaction happens. Since silence is not consent, checking in with a partner who may be caught in a freeze moment is crucial.
Gender Conditioning (Good Girl/Bad Boy)
There is no way around it: Girls are conditioned differently than boys. In our classes, this is the subject girls are most keen to talk about. Our society is loaded with mixed messages about the expectations for both girls and boys. For example, girls are supposed to be “sexy and fun” but also virtuous and sweet. Boys are expected to be responsible “good guys,” but also sexually assertive and emotionally invulnerable. Helping young people explore ways to bring their full humanity into their relationships helps move the needle on the gender expectations that can influence risk.
To Please or Pester
Similar to gender conditioning, there are notable trends among youth when it comes to sexual activity. Based on the research done by Peggy Orenstein for her books, Boys and Sex and Girls and Sex, girls are more likely to want to please their partner at the expense of their own needs, and boys are more likely to pester their partners to engage in sex before they are ready. Again, conversations with caring adults can help teens learn to listen to their intuition, as well as read the readiness signals of their partners.
Cancel Culture
While not a direct risk variable, cancel culture plays a negative role in how teens navigate relationships. Victim blaming in the form of “canceling” a peer, often occurs on the heels of an assault. Examples we share in our course involve accounts of victims needing to change schools because the rejection by their peers was so great. In each of these accounts, the offender was a popular, well-liked classmate, and even the victim’s friends chose to disbelieve her in favor of the offender. While these accounts can happen to any youth of any gender, discussing the dangers of cancel culture is an important form of support to today’s youth.
Peer Pressure
The intersection of peer pressure and sexual safety cannot be overstated. Young people are inherently driven by the need to be liked and accepted by their peers. Whether it be joining a group who is harassing a peer in the hallway, or joining a friend at a party who wants to “hang out” with a group of strangers, peer pressure takes many forms. Having conversations at home, where teens are encouraged to listen to the still, small voice inside that says “This doesn’t feel right” goes a long way in making good decisions when the moment calls for it.
At Be Strong, Be Wise, we take a proactive, direct approach to exploring these hard topics, out of respect for the wellbeing of our students. If you're interested in learning more about our course for teens, you can click here to visit our curriculum page.